When It’s Not “Fine”
If I could outlaw one phrase in the human vernacular, that phrase would be, “It’s fine.” Sometimes this is a true statement – it really is fine – but often when that’s the case, we don’t feel the need to say it aloud. More often than not, when we say that something is fine, what we’re really saying is that it’s not fine, but there’s nothing we can do about it. (See also: “It is what it is.”)
Last spring, I started hearing “It’s fine” a lot less. It was replaced with the more accurate, “This is hard. I’m not okay.” During the pandemic, we have given ourselves and each other the permission to be not fine. Over the past year and a half, letting someone know that you’re struggling – and admitting it to yourself – has been socially acceptable. No one can be expected to have been doing “fine” amid the drastic change to our lives that we didn’t see coming. It’s been acceptable to admit that life is challenging and that we’re not thriving at the moment. We can acknowledge it to ourselves and to each other.
I love this. Because here’s the thing: even before we had ever heard the term “coronavirus,” life was challenging at times. There were times when we weren’t doing okay. We struggled and felt sad and angry at times and sometimes we even felt anxious or depressed. There were times when we felt isolated from others or stuck, not knowing which direction to take or even how to decide. We grieved, we felt numb, we searched for meaning and purpose in life. It wasn’t fine. But it wasn’t okay to say so.
Sure, I could blame social media. And I do, partially. But I think that social media has only exacerbated what was already there. As humans, we compare our insides to others’ outsides. In our culture, being outwardly strong and successful is valued more than authenticity, vulnerability, and honesty. Success means the achievement of what I call “the white picket fence” – the big house, the fancy car, the six-figure salary, the heterosexual spouse, and the 2.5 kids. But what if that’s not what we truly want or value? Even when folks know that they want something different, they still feel the pressure to have what they believe everyone else has. And then we don’t know if we’re really “fine” or not. It’s confusing at best – and damaging at its worst.
Not being able to express how we truly feel can have consequences. When it doesn’t feel safe to be vulnerable (a true strength), we keep our emotions hidden and sometimes stifled. We don’t give ourselves a chance to work through them, to explore them, or learn to handle them. We keep them locked away where no one can see them. And then they come out at inopportune times or times when we least expect it. Or they manifest as depression, anxiety, or dread. I’m not lobbying for us to all share our deepest trials and tribulations with the letter carrier; my hope instead is that when we’re finding life challenging, we feel like we have permission to say so.
Bear with me while I sound therapist-y, but life truly is a journey and not a destination. Life has both ups and downs. If we’re in constant pursuit of happiness and positivity, we then try to avoid anything that doesn’t feel good. The truth is that life sometimes doesn’t feel good. If we don’t welcome the bad with the good, we cut ourselves off from a considerable part of our life – and, I would argue, we don’t live fully. Tension is where the growth happens. When we avoid the challenges, we don’t learn from them or build our resilience. We don’t move forward in life.
I’ve been hearing “it’s fine” from people again. And I get it – after a year and a half of not only not being fine, but feeling isolated, scared, bored, lost, frustrated, and hopeless, we want to feel something else. We want it to be fine. I just hope that we don’t stop giving ourselves and others permission to be not fine when they’re truly struggling. That feels more honest to me and allows folks to be in their struggle and to learn and grow from it.